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  • Writer's pictureDan FitzPatrick

Interview with Jake from Looneytown

Host: Good morning, Jake. Thanks for agreeing to speak with us today.

Yeah. Un-huh. [mumbles].

Jake, you seem really nervous and unsettled. What’s up?


Lent, what’s wrong with Lent?

World dominion.

What, like the most recent Jurrassic movie?

No. Worse than that. Mind control. Subjugation. World government by secret elites.

You mean like the Illuminati?

Sort of, only more secret. Hiding out in the plain open.

Who then?

[Glancing around nervously, and in a half-whisper]. Pescatarians.

What’s so scary about pescatarians?

They pretend to be semi-mainstream, but they are actually a secret sect of Roman Catholics. Their origins go back to the very beginning.

Beginning of what? Like biblical times?

Yeah. The Apostles.

You mean like Peter, Andrew James and John?

Yeah, especially the last two, Zebedee’s sons. You think they were called “Sons of Thunder” for no reason? They had a family business, fishing, and they didn’t like anybody messing with their business, you get me?

What does their fishing business have to do with anything?

That’s how they made money. They’d do anything to sell fish. And they were really, really good at marketing.

What do you mean?

C’mon man, loaves and FISHES, right? Two fish fed 5,000 people and there was some left over? Right. Somebody made some money that day!

The story you refer to has been known for over two thousand years. Anyway, what is so worrisome about making some money selling fish?

The Pescatarians want to take over the world and make fish-eating mandatory.

How do they plan to do that?

Well, they’re very clever, you see. They very quietly discourage the eating of meat. Then, when the whole world is weak and irritable, they’ll pounce!

How are they doing that?

I’ll give you some examples. In certain countries they’ve already convinced people to treat cows as sacred, and no one’s going to eat a holy cow. More recently, they’ve been blaming cows for disturbing the climate. How’d you like to be a rancher raising cows these days? You’re better off selling your ranch land to build a new airport. Less land, less cows, less meat -- enter the new Pescatarian World Order!

What does this have to do with Lent?

Lent is their big time. It’s like their Davos. They’ve got the world’s attention, or at least 1.3 billion people anyway. “No Meat Fridays” was their invention, and even though the Catholic Church has since relaxed that a bit, at least during Lent people have to find alternatives. Yes, pizza has made some inroads, but in most instances what do people eat? Fish!

Larry, this sounds like quite an extraordinary conspiracy theory. But in order to have a successful conspiracy, you have to have a means of surreptitious communication among conspiracy members. Where do you see that?

Church bulletins.

Church bulletins! How does that work?

Coded messages. But they’re actually sort of obvious. “Fish Fry this Friday in the parish hall; come one come all!” Recipes on how to make a “tuna boat.” Stuff like that.

Well, that all seems pretty ordinary, where’s the mind control in that?

Yeah, but I haven’t yet mentioned their really big tool to enforce conformity.

What’s that?

Tuna casserole! Every Catholic who’s ever lived in America the past 50 years knows what I’m talking about. And it always has to be made with Campbell’s Cream of Chicken soup (peas optional). Y’know why? The Campbell’s company is likely a money laundering front for the Pescatarians, funding their worldwide efforts.

Think about this: There are way more than 100 different types of Campbell’s soups. A minority of those are fish related. What would happen if Campbell’s decided to stop making anything other than fish soups? Huh? Fish market dominance!

The Pescatarians think they can pull the wool over our eyes with their clever marketing tactics. I know for a fact that those cans of Chicken of the Sea have absolutely no chicken in them whatsoever, and there never was a tuna named Charlie working at Starkist. What’s more, Starkist is owned by a South Korean company, Bumble Bee is owned by a company in Taiwan and number-one rated Wild Planet is now owned by an Italian company. What if they are all owned by Pescatarians? We could soon find ourselves under foreign dominance! Goodbye food diversity, hello rationing!

Okay, let’s take a breath. Don’t you think your theory is a little, well, … fishy?

I knew it, I knew it! You’re a Pescatarian! They’re all around us! I have to get out of here and eat some steak ... [whereupon Larry leaves the room]

Well folks, there you have it: one man’s view that the observance of Lent is merely a trick to sell seafood instead of an opportunity for self-reflection and renewed commitment to the faith which finds both hope and joy in the eternal Easter promise.

Let’s pray he’s wrong.

Now, a word from our sponsor, Mrs. Paul's Frozen Fish Sticks -- a Lenten favorite since 1946!

Tuna Noodle Casserole {Easy Casserole Recipe} - Seduction in the Kitchen
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